CHS Pioneers New Program

The school board thought they had a major problem on their hands when they learned that Clarksville High School would have no air conditioning when students return to school on August 14. Then board member Nita Groves Hill had an idea.

“Sweatshop training. What could be a more realistic training ground for sweatshop work?” Hill said at last weeks meeting. A quick second was made to her motion, and the board voted to approve the “Sweatshop Academy” at Clarksville High.

The 1,400 CHS students will be making everything from children’s clothing to purses. Hill suggested that the merchandise produced be sold, and all profits be used to “rectify the budget crisis.”

The program will be divided in to three levels: beginner, intermediate, and advanced. The beginner course will be housed in rooms with temperatures of 90-98 degrees. The intermediate temperatures will range from 99-106 degrees, while the advanced class will feature temperatures of 107 and beyond.

“What a wonderful opportunity to provide students with hands on training. All students who complete the program will be certified to work for sweatshops in most third world countries. We not only fix the budget, but we also provide career opportunities.” Hill said.

RHS Sues Over Stolen Spirit

Rossview High School is suing Clarksville High School, claiming a group of CHS students stole the Hawks’ school spirit last Friday night. The alleged incident occurred at Rossview’s first ever football game. Many Clarksville High students were on hand at that game, and appeared to still be celebrating Thursday’s 21-12 victory over Northeast.

“What those students did was uncalled for. We have been trying to build the spirit up, and as soon as it gets going, the CHS students come here and tear it down,” RHS principal B.J. Worthington said on Monday.

The Rossview spirit reached an apex with a chant of “Let’s go Rossview!” Moments after the chant got going, a group of rowdy Clarksville High students chimed in with “Let’s go Wildcats!” which completely drowned the RHS chant. Other chants were started by the Wildcat fans, drawing stern looks from Rossview students, who, by that time, were crying because they realized that their team sucked.

A school official was sent to stand behind the rowdy fans after one started an “It’s All Over!” chant in the fourth quarter.
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NOTE: The events described in this article are true, except the lawsuit part. In the words of modern Ebonics, the Wildcat fans were representin’ on Friday.

NE Pranksters Break Castleberry’s Golden Rule

No one ever said that Northeast students were the brightest. Last night, two Eagles showed why when they snuck on to the CHS campus and attempted to vandalize the school. Not realizing that old age had already taken care of that task, the students proceeded to spray paint the entire backside of the building.

Unsuspecting school officials arrived this morning to find the “damage.” Principal Judith Castleberry said that she was not upset that the vandals painted the school, but upset that they violated her golden rule: going inside the fenced area.

“Judith Castleberry will go to Northeast and hunt for these thugs.” said the principal, “Judith Castleberry will stop at nothing to prosecute breakers of the golden rule. When Judith Castleberry finds those swashbucklers, Judith Castleberry will make them clean the parking lot with their chewing gum. And when they get done, Judith Castleberry will read the announcements to them.”

The building, meanwhile, looks better than it has in years. The students used a purple colored paint on it, adding an element of “Wildcat Pride” to the job. As with last year’s vandal job on the football field, the students only managed to write a N and partial E in white paint over the purple background.

If, at this point, you are saying to yourself, “Why didn’t they do it tonight, because the game is tomorrow?” so is everyone else.

“It’s just par for the Northeast course. They can’t tell time or read a calendar.” said a CHS spokesman.

Cats Gear Up for Rossview

Friday night, the Clarksville Wildcats will be playing Rossview High School. Since this is a brand new high school it is hard to tell what the RHS scheme will look like.

However, the WNS has obtained information on this new team. It seems that due to the school’s small amount of male upperclassmen the Rossview coach has admitted upperclasswomen into the program.

“Some of these girls- excuse me, young women are real tough. I’m putting the weight of our team on our starting nose tackle, Patty O’Brien,” said RHS Coach Johnny Miller. “She can get through that O-Line real quick.”

Two of the three starting linebackers are female, as well as the strong safety. On the offensive side, 350 lbs. Bertha Harris will be starting at guard. “A lot of these guys haven’t even hit puberty yet, so it’s nice to have some size on our side. I think we can compete with the best of them. We’re true competitors for the Blue Cross Bowl [high school championship game].”

The Wildcats will get at a look at these “athletes” Friday at the Jamboree. The official WNS prediction: Cats 42, Hawks -7.

Castleberry on Parking: ‘I Told You So’

An estimated 94% of Clarksville High School students drove their own car to school on Tuesday, creating havoc in the parking lot. Custodian Gary Bumpus and an assistant herded the students to empty parking spaces. Some rows were six vehicles deep.

When the lower parking area at the school was filled, latecomers were sent to the church across the street to park, providing that they join the church.

Principal Judith Castleberry alarmed the student body at a mid-morning assembly, by shouting “I told you so!” and then lowering her voice an octave to say “Thursday, do not drive! Judith Castleberry does not want to see your car in the parking lot. If Judith Castleberry sees your car, Judith Castleberry will eat your car.”

A number of the freshmen, scared by the outburst, took cover by going out the back door and into the fenced area. Unknowingly, they had just broken Castleberry’s golden rule: do not go inside the fenced area. One student was ran over by a bulldozer and another was knocked unconscious by a steel beam. Since they were freshmen however, no one seemed to care. They were moved to the boiler room until the principal can decide what action to take against them. She did comment that it involved “number two pencils and a comb.”

New Age Learning Now at CHS

This year at CHS there may be more schedule problems than last year. The first six weeks we will have four lunches and classes will be 55 minutes long. The second six weeks classes will be 50 minutes long and we will have three lunches along with an actual advisory. It is not known yet what the third six weeks schedule will be.

“I think we will be spicing things up a bit,” said Judith Castleberry of the third six weeks. “What was 4th period will now be 1st. Third will be 2nd. Fifth will be 3rd, 1st will be 4th, and 2nd will be 5th. This will keep the students on their toes. There will be no 6th period. Lunch will be eaten from 8 AM to 10 AM. There will be 12 10 minute lunches.”

When someone commented that many students have important classes 6th period Castleberry commented, “The activities from the 6th period classes will be incorporated into the other classes. Knowledge will flow from one class to the next. I think we will be taking down the artificial walls in the pods in order to open up the gates of learning.”

The offices however are now being barricaded. New walls, barbed wire, and student traps are being put up. The principal would not comment to the nature of these new structures.

Football Season in Question

It is now 3 days until the big matchup between the Clarksville Wildcats and the Northeast Eagles, and both of the teams and schools are gearing up for the big showdown.

“We have a great tradition for this week,” said one Northeast senior. “We are going to spray paint the CHS building in big letters, N-O-R-T-H-E-I-S-T. It’ll be awesome.”

This students car was later found in the ditch outside of NEHS.

CHS principal Judith Castleberry had a few things to say about CHS traditions. “I don’t think we will be having that eagle in the coffin bit this year,” said Castleberry. “It promotes animal cruelty and devil worship. This school needs moral values, and it is my duty to teach them.”

Castleberry also had this to add, “I believe football is too violent. I am considering outlawing this horrible game at CHS. We may also cancel the Northeast game. Football is corrupting our youth!”

In the event of a cancellation WNS will be covering the Rosswiew game.

Rednecks and Freaks A Feudin’

A quiet Thursday morning in the CHS commons area quickly turned into a scene of would-be chaos when members of the Redneck Crew and Punk Crew exchanged words. The source of their anger is not known.

Witnesses say the redneck put down his “Modern Farmer” magazine and walked over and yelled at the mohawked freak, who, incidentally, was wearing all black. A table was all that separated the two, until a pot-bellied redneck pulled it out of the way, setting up an ideal fight scene. As students circled around, the freak turned his back on the trash talking redneck and mingled with a group of fellow freaks about loud music and devil worship.

The redneck, by this time rather angry at the freak, said “Boy, where I come from them is fightin words! We is gonna take this outside to the barn. I’m gonna make you bleed like a stuck pig.”

With his back still turned, the freak mumbled something about said redneck’s sister and a cow. The redneck, down wind of the comment, fired back a string of profanity laced redneck catchphrases.

If the two had come to blows, a massive brawl would have broken out. The redneck had several members of the FFA behind him, while the freak had several people with built of anger inside of them standing behind him.

Later in the day, sources told the Wildcat News Service that the freak vowed revenge on the redneck. “I’ll give him a good Godsmack then punk him out with my wallet chain,” he was rumored to have said.

The fight, if it had taken place, would have likely been a WNS fight of the year candidate because there were no authority figures nearby.

CHS Fans Hungry for Eagles

In response to CHS principal Judith Castleberry’s statement about the cancellation of the football game against Northeast, perhaps even the entire season, two students were protesting at the entrance to the commons area this morning. They bore signs that said “Football YES, Band YES, Castleberry’s Dumb Idea NO!”

Castleberry retaliated, though, by holding students an extra four minutes. “It’s Judith Castleberry’s way of revenge. If Judith Castleberry added four minutes a day, Judith Castleberry would hold the students an extra twenty minutes a week. The way Judith Castleberry sees it, the students will learn to respect her for her stern punishments and for never going back on her word. Judith Castleberry is an honorable person,” CHS principal Judith Castleberry.

The principal would not say if she plans to let the football game take place. If she does not allow the Wildcats to play, it will end a string of three CHS victories against the Eagles dating back to the 1998 season. Last season, Clarksville High easily thumped Northeast in route to a 10-2 playoff season.

The Eagles have not won many games over the past few years, most recently falling to Northeast Middle in a scrimmage Monday afternoon. At the Jamboree this past Friday, NEHS fell to host Kenwood. Before they take to the turf on Thursday, Northeast will have a scrimmage on Wednesday afternoon against the cross-town rival Barksdale third grade gym class. Bookies in Vegas have the Cats as a 29 point favorite.

Budget Crunch Hits CHS Hard

Clarksville High School students and teachers are starting to feel the effects of the CMCSS budget crunch. Wednesday morning, principal Judith Castleberry addressed the teachers and students concerning cutbacks.

“In an effort to curve the money problems of the school system, we will now be charging $0.10 per ounce for water usage. This includes water in the drinking fountain, faucets, and toilets. In addition, students will be required to bring their own toilet paper and paper towels. The school will no longer provide these items. Soap will be available at an additional charge,” Castleberry said, “and to monitor the water usage of students, Judith Castleberry will hire six ‘water monitors’ to collect money for water used.

Student reaction was largely negative, with the exception of a few pupils who have hopes of being water monitors after graduation.

These cutbacks are just the beginning. Rumors surfaced on Tuesday that Castleberry planned to implement a Personal Seat License fee for lunch tables. Another rumored cut is the English Department. The official list of budget cuts will be released next week.